when I read tavi’s forever, I felt nostalgic over my own. she describes having realized you do not to be lonely to be alone - something that I have long known but only understood after actually being lonely.
there was no rookie, no petra, no prom and homecoming that made me feel like forever was there. forever was always far away because whenever I felt comfortable and loved, I thought: this is what forever will be like when we get there.
my best friend in high school came in too-late: we were juniors the first time we hung out outside of school and it was a long way until we bounded closely and realized how much we enjoyed each other’s company. until then, there had only been a few girls whose friendship could be placed in the “yours truly” shelf. there was emily, melody and chelsea. finally there was yang.
outside of school there were terhys and wendy, who made me realize it was OK to be weird because there would still be people like me out there.
when I think of how I spend my time now, as oppose to how it was then, I understand how alone I was. today I live in a big city: my friends are busy with work and school and live in the opposite side of town, but I understand I am not alone. it still warms my heart to think of how many friends I have made in the past four years and I am ever thankful.
in high school, for awhile, I was plain alone. my options were my mom and grandma carol. it did not feel like forever because it was painful.
two years into college, while studying abroad, I was sitting on a bus on my way downtown to meet a friend. it was beautiful out there. I was listening to feist’s metals. the sky was displaying its sunset pallet while reflecting on the golden dried out vegetation along the road. it was lonely and beautiful.
I guess having an uncertain future feels closer to forever for me. today is my last day in college. four and a half years of being lost and lonely. today my last day as an intern for a project I love. there is a heaviness to the uncertainty that almost causes me to run away, but I know that here is forever. not this city or country, but here: adulthood. it might not be magical but I know it is not alone.
rebecca, the adult.